fred beukema is a being a serious pussy.

as any reader has gathered, i have been playing through half-life 2 recently, and have, for the second time, realized it might be one of the best games ever. right up there with the super mario bros., ocarina of time, and starcraft.* it’s an amazing feat that just keeps getting better and better. it also gets very creepy and atmospheric at just the right moments. and it’s in these right moments that you run into the poison headcrab, which looks like a giant spider. now, it’s no secret that fred is afraid of spiders; he’s made this clear many times.

now, i myself am afraid of the water. not the water itself, more so the countless things that could be living in it. namely the sharks, colossal squid, and sea monsters. i still take careful surveys of pools before i jump into them, also while i’m in them, and waste no time getting out of them. i won’t even get in natural water unless someone is near (the beast will obviously take them over me). however! going against my instinct, i have, countless times, ventured into water – not only in real life, where things are very safe and these fears are ballooned quite a bit, but also in a virtual medium. the first instance being the in the sewers of imperial city in the nintendo 64 game shadows of the empire. in this level you fight that thing that grabs luke in the trash compactor in some very murky water. the whole thing scared the shit out of a twelve-year-old me. since that moment, it’s been an uphill battle.

point in case the ichthyosaur. in the first half-life game, there were certain parts that took place underwater, a task that had me on edge even before i saw a razored fin sticking out of the water. once under the surface this fish, if you want to call it that, attacks constantly. all you can see is a giant, gaping maw. then you die. it’s terrifying. yet, here i sit, having completed the game.

now, all of this is quite moot. i’ll admit that. but the punchline is this: mr. beukema did not finish half-life 2, but instead skipped ahead to it’s follow-up, half-life 2: episode 1. not only is he ruining things for himself, he’s ruining everything for everyone everywhere in existence. why not simply fly to valve headquarters and spit in gabe newell’s face, fred. then shit on the lawn and bring an electromagnet into their database department.

* here are some other games which i would include in a list of best ever:

• super metroid
• resident evil 4
• chrono trigger
• half life
• star wars: TIE fighter
• sid meier’s civiliazation
• sim city
• super mario world
• legend of zelda (original, link to the past, link’s adventure)