attention: i’m going to speak for a spell on getting in over one’s head on purpose. on second thought, not specifically on purpose, due that this isn’t murder in the first, or something preemptive or plotted out to the finest degree. this is making a decision for (what some would call) the worse, and knowing full and well the consequences of your actions but following through anyway. smoking, even though it’s killing you.

i won’t say why i’m speaking about this. any novice detective could deduce the general idea of why i’m writing about that, sans specifics. but, past that, i’ll not discuss a peep. it’s nothing horrible, nothing i’d lament telling anyone, but it is my personal business, and that’s where it will stay: under cognitive lock and key. if you’re dying to know, ask and ye shall receive.

what is it about these decisions, habits, choices, etc. that are so alluring? what makes them such a forbidden fruit? during the hype and holler when Secretary was initially running in theaters, Maggie Gyllenhaal was often prodded on masochism (i’m not going to provide a link, you research that one on your own) while pressing the movie on talks shows and the like. she stated that she thinks it’s inherit in our human nature to destroy ourselves, test our boundaries, and undo ourselves before someone else does it. i can get behind that.

then there is the widespread belief of the “thrill” of things; doing it simply to do it. getting pissed drunk the night before an important job interview. plain and simple adultery. what’s the draw? that we might get caught? i prefer to believe that it’s not some subconscious pull to get caught, but the satisfaction of getting away with it.

i, myself, am somewhat of a goody-two-shoes. i didn’t drink before i was 22, i’ve always had another job lines up before quitting the current one, i try to get to bed on time when my work allows it. i’m nothing if not the poster-child for psychologically healthy living. but… i feel like i don’t have that many stories to tell. interesting ones, for that matter. for those, i turn to butch roy. take 10 minutes and ask him to tell you a story. you won’t be disappointed.

everyone has to go through periods of “destroying” yourself, and i have. graham green, i think, spoke of the relevance of that quite well. but how long that period is, i think, is up for debate.